I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Randomize
