The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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