I wish my penis had an off switch
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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