I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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