Your mouth is God's brothel.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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