A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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