the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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