I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
