My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
