Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I need to calm my uterus...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
