oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
