dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
