Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
