What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
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I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
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Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
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