I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
3pm strippers are depressing
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
