Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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