you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
