i already hear my dad disowning me
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
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I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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