If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
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I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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