Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
