my mouth tastes like poor choices
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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