Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
