Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
They have beer where we have blood.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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