I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
