I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
