Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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