ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
