Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
