haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
