Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
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