i just made my gag reflex go away.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
