when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
