I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It's official drugs can't kill me
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
