I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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