I'm really into asian looking animals
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
