I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
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