it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
