You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My breasts were aching with rage.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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