She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
