Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
