So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
