I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
