look no pants
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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