I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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