if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
