Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
