I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Randomize
