you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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