You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
