Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
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I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
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I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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