i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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