No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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