just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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