just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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